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I honestly think there's something wrong with me. I can't even picture myself having intimacy again. A year ago, I went out on a couple of dates with a man younger than me, he was cute and very interested in me, but I just didn't feel the connection. I really don't know what to make of this situation.

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Any advice is profoundly appreciated. Could it be a coincidence? Besides ridding yourself of a toxic and abusive ex — and that's harder than people who haven't been in an abusive relationship often realize and I'm so glad you got away from him — did something else happen three years ago that could've tanked your libido, JAG? Did you go on meds at the time for depression or anxiety? Could an undiagnosed medical condition that came on at roughly the same time create a libido-tanking hormonal imbalance? Did you go on a new form of birth control in anticipation of the sex you'd soon be having with other, better, nicer, hotter, kinder men?

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If nothing else is going on — if you aren't on meds for depression or anxiety, if you've had your hormone levels checked and they're normal, if a new form of birth control isn't cratering your libido — then the most obvious and likeliest answer is probably the correct one: Three years after getting out of an abusive relationship, JAG, you're still reeling from the trauma. And the best advice is also the obvious advice: Find a sex-positive therapist or counselor who can help you work through your trauma and reclaim your sexuality.


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Even if you were to get your hormone levels checked or adjust your psych meds or switch to a new birth control method, I would still recommend seeing a counselor or therapist. And even if the thought of being intimate with others causes you stress and makes you anxious, JAG, you can still explore solo sex. You don't have to wait for the right hot young man to come along in order to reconnect with your sexuality.

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You can read or write some erotica, you can splurge on an expensive sex toy have you seen the new clit-sucking vibrators? Really enjoying yourself may be the first step toward enjoying others again. This week on the Savage Lovecast, Mistress Velvet schools us all.


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